Currently Listening Twenty Three Places By Matt Wertz see related

Wow it feels great outside. I missed cool weather this year, and that's strange for me to say because I generally like things pretty hot. (chuckle...temperature wise...lol).

Today I was suppose to meet with the admissions director of the art institute, however the battery in my car is on its way out and I don't want to take the chance of not being able start my car in downtown houston. haha. (My luck hasn't been that great lately so I'm not going to push it.)

Actually, I have started to entertain the thought of becoming a detective or police officer again seeing as how much pent up aggression everyone tells me I have, paired with the fact I could have some officer's direct page number programmed into my phone for any other criminal victimizations I should come up against. haha Oh sure...you're laughing because either 1) you have no clue what I'm talking about or 2) you know exactly what I'm talking about. haha

On an up note, I'm going to hopefully see the movie "Flicka" tonight with my parents....problem children and horses are something I can identify with right now. hahaha. (boy this turned sarcastic quickly) no...my mom wants to see it because she likes Tim Mcgraw, and my dad wouldn't mind seeing it because it's about a horse and it's rated PG. HAHA. (He still chooses to believe that I have never actually paid 7 whole dollars to watch a rated R movie....SCANDALOUS! )

well...off to wash my hair and get presentable. I have not engagements today now that vehicle has taken care of that....so I was thinking about going for a long walk and taking some pictures. who know...adios

i'm such a dork for writing all of this on here....actually..I don't get on here enough to understand how you view other people's stuff....or how they see me...or how ANY of this works. I'm just using it as a journal.....dear god...I'm pathetic. hahah

Well...today wasn't a total loss. I'm getting use to this "quiet thing". haha. I have been corresponding with the admission's director for the Art Institute of Houston (in the Culinary Arts department) and we have a meeting set up for next week to discuss the POSSIBILITY of turning one of my beloved hobbies into a career one day.

I've always shrugged my passion for cooking and baking to the side because there's this part of me that says I would be selling myself short becoming 'just' a chef. hahaha. Actually, I have learned recently that there are only a few "master chefs" in this country and in the world....so that competition factor DOES exist! lol

Who knows? I'm just getting more information about stuff...not casting it in stone. That's a BIG problem for me, though, I'm finding out....committing to one career option. I guess the bright side of being me is that once I finally DO choose a career I'll stick with it. That's how I am with everything really....once I start doing something that is really really important to me, it's really really hard to stop me from doing it. haha Maybe not having the answers right now doesn't have to be a curse? Maybe I'm meant to ask questions right now so I'll know the answers later?

On a different note, I'm feeling like I'm changing as a person. It's not one of those quirky little changes that people make either, it's bigger. This morning I woke up and everything was very quiet all around me, it was still loud in my head, but I remained quiet on the outside and extremely put together.

Then it happend, suddenly I was confronted with a word that comes very hard for me to swallow while soberly sitting down...."Submissive". The exact phrase which caused my fists to tense up, I believe, was, "why can't you just be more submissive?".  My lack of "submission" in my family is attributed to the fact (in my father's opinion) that I am not mature enough to basically keep my mouth shut and do as I'm told.  

After all of this was said; I had my piece which inevitably shut everyone up. My father thinks I should be less argumentative, but what I'm concerned about is not arguing...it's being right. I want to be right, and I very rarely argue with someone unless I know there is a good chance I AM right. Otherwise, I'm a very good listener. "Submissive"..I am not....unless I fully agree with what I'm submitting to (which I have in the past done). ( I also have no criminal record to date, not principal records on file, no probations, suspensions, etc......if I were so unruley then I'm sure it would have been publicly noted SOMEWHERE!).

Anyway, in a round about/slightly confrontational way, I learned a couple of pretty incredible self affirmations today....I'm passionate, strong, and incredibly persuassive. hahaha. (Not to mention a damn good writer....now that everyone is snoozing or clicked out of this...lol )

I have really just had it....at this point, if giving up was ACTUALLY an option...I'd probably consider it.

Here's the deal: my credit card and debit card got stolen all in one month by individuals I know. (Not best friends mind  you...but people I knew and trusted on a certain level TOOK my money) The credit card doesn't matter so much because they just cancel your card, but when someone steals a debit card which also doubles as a credit card linked to your account....THAT"S BAD. In the one day it took me to realize it was gone my entire savings account was wiped out in order to commensate for my drastically overwithdrawn checking  account.

The bank will reinburst some of the money, but basically my savings is wiped out. I'm not a heavy spender, either, which really drives me up the wall because I had a little nest egg I was working on. Thankfully this is being investigated, and someone will be going to jail very shortly for their crime, but in the mean time I'm out a shit load of money that I worked very hard for. (excuse my french) 

This is really just the icing on the cake for the year I've had. I'm not one to complain alot...my motto has always been "The road gets tough to make you tougher".....however, if there was an individual who had more random sucky crap happen to them I'd have to raise my hand high.

I'm so tired. Just physically tired from running. I run from emotional situations every day because as a kid I was never taught to it was ok to be emotional. The second I started crying because something hurt inevitably someone would tell me to "STOP crying". .....Now, after 20 years, I finally can cry about stuff, but I hate the fact no one is there to say it's going to be ok. That part has always been my job. haha I've been the shouldner grown men have cried on while I sat there solid as a rock, and the second I need help everyone is gone.

It's just funny how life works out. Suddenly I seem to need help, but the twist is that no one is there. God is...but some times it would be nice if He'd seen some human help.

Currently Listening Once Upon a Shattered Life By Seventh Day Slumber Caroline see related

just another friday...

So yeah, today was cool...I suppose.

haha. So, I have these therapists...it's a long story...but anyway, I end up going out to eat with my parents this evening and there they all sit...RIGHT in the middle of the restaurant all waving at me. How embarassing to end up having to eat near your therapists?...it's like...I need a break from the analyzations people...let's take 5 so I can drown my emotions in a plate of enchiladas without the tortillias (YES..WITHOUT THE TORTILLIAS!) haha I'm a crazy one. Out of all the restaurants...

OK..so then..tonight I was watching Capt. Corelli's Mandolin and had a shot of tequilla...which didn't really involve lose any clothes. I know...drinking shots while watching a movie? That sounds borderline alcoholic to me. lol...but I'm not a beer drinker, and i like liquor..must be the Irish/ Sottish in me. HAHA Plus..I only had one, so it's ok. The only iffy issue was that I was alone..but that doesn't say much, right?

This week was a rough week all in all, but a good one. I learned alot about how strong I am, and what some of the dreams I have are. Right now I'm trying to turn some of them into attainable goals...but they seem so massive.

I'm not exactly sure what kind of pills my mom was poppin' when she was pregnant with me, but I don't feel normal some days. (That was a joke..mom did take anything other than hormones, haha ) Some days I wake up and think, "Well, Caroline, how are you going to make a difference in the world today?" or "Just think, somewhere in the world there could be a person who needs your help...and one day you may get the chance to do it." I dream of mass humanitarian involvment, and getting thousands of people together helping one another in order to pursue LIFE! I just wish that people could put aside their humanity and all of their prejudices for five seconds and just love one another. Why is that so hard?

Goodnight World...